Confidence is a trait I’ve always been able to fake. I was a pro at seeming confident but never felt it. Growing up, I’ve been plagued with a touch insecure and sought everyone’s approval. Looking back, I was the worst kind of insecure: I wanted everyone to like me by any means. As mentioned in previous posts, the older and more mature I became, I was comfortable in my own skin and loved my quirks. But there was a time where I felt that stepping in a heaping pile of shit was better than me. It was the emotionally abusive relationship I was in about three years ago that really broke me. That “relationship” ended three years ago next month and I’ve grown in confidence and self-love since. I would be lying if I said the journey to rebuild myself and rediscover my self-worth was easy because it fucking wasn’t. I’ve cried, thought about ending it all, running away, anything just to not deal with the immense pain I felt. Looking within to pull my true self out was the most exposed I’ve ever felt. There were times when I broke myself down worse than my ex. Question myself. Berate myself. “What the fuck is wrong with me?!” “Why I can’t seem to get anything right?!” Then something in me spark and resurrected my soul. I began to accept and love my weirdness and quirks. And this shit didn’t happen overnight. Again, the relationship ended three years ago yet it took me 2.5 years to pull myself together. I didn’t want to just appear confident anymore, I wanted to be confident.
It’s also taken me those 2.5 years to even consider dating seriously again. But here we are; a bitch is dating again. So, I recently started seeing this guy (let’s not talk about it) and asked his impression of me thus far. I know what you’re thinking, “here you go reverting to your old ways caring what mfs think of you.” But it’s not like that. I like this fucker. Though his “approval” is important to me, I’m not dependent on it. Obvi, the thinks I’m the baddest (physically) *flips hair* but he’s attracted to my confidence. My eyes widen. For the first time in my life, the confidence secreting from my pores was real, flowing in me like a raging water. It’s pretty dope that he sees it too. I’ve worked hard for this shit!
Though the last few years were rough filled with tears and mess, I’m glad I went through the shit and came out clean. What’s more, my loved ones noticed the change.
The eccentric, free-spirited, confident bitch is back and here to stay. Be mad if you want to.