A mess like you
Okay, let me me be in my feelings for a spell. So the other day I read a meme that said “you are the woman someone is praying for” and every time I hear or see something like that I get a heaviness in my chest and tears in my eyes because I'm not sure if that's true. Like yeah on paper I look good: car, pay for the roof over my head, degree, ambition, goals, etc. But what about the deep dark sh*t? Ya know, the skeletons collecting cobwebs in my closet. I have things about me that I'm still trying to figure out and sometimes wonder if there really is someone out there for me. I still struggle with knowing and believing I'm worth more than the f*cked up relationships I've had in the past. Sometimes I question this path God has me on and the kind of woman I’m meant to be. In the past, I wanted so badly to just be with someone that I've found myself entertaining random guys, filling voids that should’ve only been filled with God. Clearly the Lord extracted me from those situations because He sees something in me I don't so who am I to question it?
Still, my human nature leads me to think there's something wrong with me when in reality, I'm not fully who I'm meant to be in the first place. We've all heard God will strip you down to nothing so all you have is Him; to solely depend on Him. I'm currently at that crossroads and see that He wants me so bad that I don’t have no choice but to give in. I've come to a place of understanding. Though I still struggle with my own self worth, God keeps reminding me how much He wants me and loves me enough to say no until He has built me back up and I'm ready for whatever (and that includes relationships). Pay attention and embrace these seasons of change, doubt, etc and learn to completely trust God. And for the guy out there praying for a mess like me, thanks :)